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Gay Parents Choose Suburbs - Neighborhoods Becoming
Blended
Emily
Sweeney, Globe Staff Correspondent
February
24, 2002
 
WALTHAM - Zane Kuchera is
not just any weekend dad. His two children visit him every other weekend
at his roomy house on Roseanna Park Drive, where they spend time together.
Ten-year-old Zane Kuchera II carefully constructed a futuristic Lego-like
roller coaster in his dad's living room. His two-foot high masterpiece,
made from blue and purple K'nex pieces, is displayed on the living room
floor. Zane's older sister, Alex, 12, often watches television and bangs
out rhythms on her electronic drums in her bedroom upstairs.
A few things set this scene
apart from many other suburban households: Kuchera lives here with Mark
Herdeg, his partner of three years. Bay Windows, a newspaper for the
gay community, lies on the coffee table alongside an issue of Wired magazine.
But Kuchera and Herdeg are
not alone: According to the 2000 US Census, they are one of more than
180 same-sex couples living in this city of 59,000, at once a historic
suburb and a hub for emerging technology businesses. Kuchera and Herdeg,
both software developers, bought the house together two years ago and
have blended into the neighborhood.
Kuchera and Herdeg belong
to the group Gay Fathers of Greater Boston, a network of fathers who
meet twice a month at the First Parish Church in Waltham to talk about
issues facing their families. Some of the men have adopted children with
their partners. Others, like Kuchera, have children from a previous marriage.
Gay Fathers of Greater Boston
began with seven men in 1982, and has grown to more than 100 members.
All kinds of topics are discussed, such as spending quality time with
children and dealing with school administrators. Family outings and potluck
dinners are also coordinated through the organization.
"I'm glad I found the
group," said Kuchera, 39. "I think it helped my kids get comfortable
with the situation."
Kuchera beamed
at his two children, and proudly added that he watches over them "like
a hawk."
Researchers estimate that
up to 14 million children live with at least one gay parent. Census figures
show that there are more than a half-million same-sex households in the
United States.
Although it appears that there
is a growing number of households with at least one gay parent, it's
hard to tell if more gay and lesbian couples are moving to the suburbs
to raise their families.
But anecdotal evidence suggests
that is the case. For seven years, Jenifer Firestone worked at Boston's
Fenway Community Health Center, coordinating its insemination program.
In 1997 Firestone founded an agency called Alternative Family Matters,
an agency that offers family planning guidance to gays and lesbians.
"There's a huge population
of lesbian mothers in Metrowest area," Firestone said. Gays and
lesbians "are a burgeoning population, and it's increasing as more
gay people living in the city have children and move to the suburbs."
Like heterosexual parents,
many gays and lesbians are drawn to suburbs for their school systems
and big backyards. Firestone said it's important for children of gay
parents to connect with other children of gay parents.
Kuchera and
Herdeg take Zane and Alex on trips to Provincetown for "Family Week," when
scores of alternative families trek to the tip of Cape Cod.
Kuchera was
married until 1995. He talked to his children, then 4 and 6, when he
came out, reading
them picture books like "Daddy's New Roommate." He met Herdeg
five years ago, when they both worked for Digital Equipment Corp. He
now works for a Newton software company. Herdeg, 38, wanted to adopt,
so he and Kuchera have proved to be a good fit.
Alex and Zane live and attend
school in North Attleborough with their mother, and they visit their
father and Herdeg every other weekend and during school vacations.
They describe
their situation as a normal family in a typical neighborhood. "Our neighbors have
been great," Kuchera said. They have even noticed another gay male
couple living together nearby.
Meg Soens, 46, was happy to
see the recent statement by the American Academy of Pediatrics supporting
co-adoption by gay couples. She and her partner, Cecilia d'Oliveira,
48, are raising four young children together in Lexington.
Soen is vice
president of the PTA and serves on the elementary school's anti-bias
committee. She
said there is a "handful" of lesbian couples with children
in Lexington, and her family gets together with them once in a while
for potluck dinners.
"It's nice to have your
kids know that there other families like ours," she said.
Soens predates the early wave
of gay parents, 10 years ago. The First Parish Unitarian Universalist
Church in Lexington holds occasional potlucks for gays and lesbians and
their friends, and those informal gatherings often turn into largely
family events.
Soens said gay and lesbian
couples blend in, but people must be educated and made aware of the diversity.
"Basically, people are
very good and they try to be welcoming. I think it's a lot easier now,
but there's still a lot of work that needs to be done," she said.
There is an air of acceptance
of gay parenting in recent years, but children - especially those who
happen to be gay themselves - often have to tackle tough situations at
school.
The Parents, Families and
Friends of Lesbians and Gays organization, commonly known as PFLAG, has
an office in Waltham on River Street. Pam Garramone, director of the
PFLAG Safe Schools and Communities Projects, knows the reality of playground
teasing and the grim statistics associated with gay youth: They are three
times more likely to have been threatened with a weapon at school, and
four times more likely to have attempted suicide, according to recent
survey results.
PFLAG provides speakers to
schools and community forums to talk about personal experiences about
coming out or living with a gay family member.
Garramone said some schools
address gay issues better than others. Starting in first grade, some
schools are teaching students that families can have two mommies or two
daddies.
"Believe me, that sentence
alone can produce outcry in the community and can be controversial," said
Garramone. "Some gay parents have had to go in and educate their
child's school administration, telling them: `This is our family; this
is what it looks like. If you ignore our family, you're sending a message
to our kid that something is wrong.' "
One PFLAG speaker is Sam Gloyd,
55. A father of three grown children, he works as a psycho therapist
and lives in Newton. (There are 230 same-sex couples in Newton, according
to census figures.) Gloyd came out when his youngest son was in high
school.
Gloyd said he has noticed
a decline in attendance of PFLAG support meetings, which may be because
of increasing acceptance of gay and lesbians in society.
Gay, bisexual,
lesbian, and transgendered "issues have become more known to the general public.
There are gay characters in the movies and on TV sitcoms. I think the
trauma felt 10 years ago is not the same as it was before," said
Gloyd.
Zane and Alex say their friends
don't question their family situation. On the weekends with their dad,
Zane plays video games on his Game Cube and eats chocolate-chip cookies.
On Sunday mornings, Herdeg cooks homemade waffles for the children.
Herdeg said
they have not come across any discrimination in Waltham. "It has just become more
open, and more of no big deal," he said.
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